Entry 1, Its 2026 march 1st and Im still dreaming of being an artist

What do I want within my own art? A Question that has haunted me forever if Im still just someone what wants to make pretty pictures? OF COURSE I WANT MY ART PRETTY. But the substance is what gets me within my work and almost as if thats what makes my art worth it. Every day it seems like I have to figure out what I value and what I want to say but to me thats hard. I knew this kid in school who pissed me off so bad he was 5ft something and built like a character of big mouth he only ever did boring still life of his surrounding in such a bleak and un edited way. It was in all the senses a raw and exact way of art truly. But when I saw the way he judged everyone and almost came over himself as if he didn't just spend 4 hours staring at a paint bucket and an easel just to pain in the most muddy dull colors. He wasn't anything special in my eye but tried his best to feel special by putting others down. Its those people who also know how to talk about there work annoys me beyond belief because they fluff and fluff there words almost to make you feel like the idiot for thinking they could do more that just look and paint.

That brings me back to my main topic I want to figure out my worth and what I desire most to portray within my art and yes I want to dip into that annoying person and really explain my process because art is intentional however as intentional as I will be I will not think Im lesser than someone if My reasoning is because it looks good together. I know girls who are artistically the same as a printer printing a collage and their ass is eaten. But its the why its eaten is because they bring that outsider look into their own art almost to JUSTIFY. I never felt like I could justify my self so Ive felt outcasted within art but at the end of the day its never that serious. As I sit here typing into a void of nothingness I want to create a painting. I bring the intentionality forward and try to document the process. We will see how that all turns out but if I sit and ask myself what it is I desire to create,

...... I dont know . And thats the shit of it. I like people I like things and I think that intentionality of putting what I like together what I want to see is what makes my art. Im not making art for you. Its for me so If I think painting a girl and a fish side by side is epic than you can look at me and say wow Jordan paints cool things. And listen if I want to dig I can go deeper into the apprecation of posture and body within my work and the symbolization of the fish being the artists worst childhood fear. But what struggles in my monkey brain is that "is it really needed all the time within work. Theres many pieces where yes have seemed okay and an artist statement has made it great to me however Im scared of inauthenticity within work Im scared of someone looking at a long winded statement and thinking "wow this is bullshit". Because some things are just such complete and utter bullshit and its insane what people will get away with in the sake of their own bullshit. Im a proud hater from day one don't get me wrong. But im not less of an artist because I don't glitter and fluff my works identity up for a viewer. I am a human with hopes dreams fears anxieties i'm a complexity that no one has ever seen before because there isn't another Jordan Caleb Miinch that you have met. that you have loved. Im a funnel that makes and creates things because of who I am (BUT THATS THE SAME FOR EVERYONE). Its such an insane deepdive to think about.

If I paint a tomato did there have to be a reason other than I wanted to (no) but if I was to bring up a story of summer and canning in adolescence with my grandmother and the tasks of a "women" born in the 60s and my queerness as a child being enraptured by the act of her. Do you want that? will it make you respect me more. is that a bad thing? Should I think about that before I painted the tomato or am I a vessel to do what I want and connect it later. isnt that fake? Am I appealing to be liked If i tell you that will you know I thought of that after I painted the tomato. This has been how my brain has worked within creation forever.

I view this piece below as a collection of the person I was when it was born. what I was thinking about in all its glorious stupidity.

I don't think intentionality is a bad thing but it has gotten in the way of my creation maybe im looking at it wrong. maybe its not something that is needed as a muse but something that helps one understand their current mind to sculpt and cull what isn't working and to start to the next thing. I know I love moment sequential natures satalites objects whether important symbols or just something dumb. Maybe its okay to have both. God art is so stressful but yet so fun. maybes its a way to work out whats going on, I guess recently Ive been thinking about beer. I think I might go and get some beer and start working on a painting. Maybe I have just been the stupid person im scared people will see. Im scared the artist think i'm a loser and scared the public thinks Im a doofus hyping up mid art. but honestly MAYBE and isnt that lovely I guess. Maybe I dont think enough about my art but you know what Maybe just maybe that when I think about the intentionality of my art thats when things are good yes but also maybe I get to count my lucky stars and realize that my art when i don't think is just as fucking good and thats somethign to be jelouse of. Im off to the liquor store and a beer is calling my name I think I have a piece in mind to make. xoxo will update